NerdgasmList: Five of the Thirstiest WOC Characters in History.

It’s hard for a Black woman to find love in real life, let alone on the big (or small) screen. Here are five women whose dogged pursuit of unavailable men led them wookin’ pa nub in all de rong places.

Haaay, Professor! My low self-esteem will have me chasing your funny-looking ass for five seasons!       

When career junior college student and fashion disaster Nikki Parker (MoNique) locked eyes with Professor Oglevee (Dorien Wilson) in the first episode of The Parkers, it was a match made in shitty sitcom heaven. Darling Nikki pushed the boundaries of friendship, common sense, and the law, all for the love of a man who–if given the opportunity–would strangle her and leave her for dead in a ditch. How fitting then, that in one of the most bizarre endings in television history, Nikki and the professor wind up together after he realizes that she’s stalked her way into his heart. Moral of the story? Persistence pays off, restraining orders be damned.

Kim Parker never met a dead animal or a hot peen she didn't like.

And now, a look at what desperation and bad fashion sense begat. Kim Parker spent three seasons on Moesha running down Hakeem in her Thirstmobile. When that proved unsuccessful, she drove it to Santa Monica College, where she and Ma Dukes raised hemlines and eyebrows with their antics and pordy-chasing. She did manage to snag a boyfriend or two while flunking classes and pursuing her dreams of fashion design. The series ended with her having a fiance.

Kelly Kapoor: Model Employee, Flaming Nutjob.

Poor Kelly. All she wants is to be loved. So what if she has the emotional maturity of an Eggo waffle and her fascination with celebrities would give Stan pause. She’s just a hopeless romantic!–who bullies men into relationships. Like Ryan Howard, who had to fake leaving the country just to break up with her. Of course Ryan was no prize himself, what with the pathological lying and manipulation, but that doesn’t stop Kelly from throwing herself at him every five minutes. Her hard work pays off as well; Ryan eventually puts a ring on it, only to divorce a week later. But not even the dissolution of their marriage (or their neuroses) can tear them apart.

Have you had some Lynn? Would you like some?

While Lynn is one of my favorite tv characters of all time, I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t one big boho ball of need. For five seasons we watched the brilliant but romantically daft flowerchild fall for a trailerload of unavailable losers. Men of the cloth. Celibate poets. Manwhoring musicians. Unemployed busboys. Lynn’s love of creative, strange-looking dudes was boundless. Inspirational, even. Perhaps that’s why I felt such a connection to her character. Thankfully, the series ended with her turning her focus to her budding music career.

Even Tyler Perry knows that every sitcom needs a thirsty yamp.

 

When you live a cableless life, you will subject your brain to the most horrific things, including Tyler Perry sitcoms. Most of you are well aware of my masochistic tendencies, so I don’t have to elaborate. Let’s just say 2010 was a dark, dark period for me and that dark period involved regularly viewing House of Payne. Claretha Jenkins (left) is the show’s resident man chaser who employs a variety of devices to snag dudes, including wigs and food. She manages to snag a prince, only to divorce him for reasons unexplained a few episodes later. She then boo’d up her arch-nemesis’s bff Floyd, which was great until she discovered he was two-timing her with his ex-wife. Womp womp.