You asked about my hate of cable companies...

People keep asking me why I hate Comcast so much. I’ve told this story twice now and since the laughter was so great I have decided to share it with all of you. Now I warn you this is a long one. And seeing how long this story is, I remained relatively calm throughout the entire thing…relatively. I am very proud of myself.  I wrote this in April of 2006 when this happened to me, so try to bear with it.

This is where it started. You have been warned!

The Curse that is cable…

I’m sitting at home on a lovely Saturday evening watching TV when the remote decides to stop working. So, being the logical person that I am I proceed to change the batteries. Nothing. I use a different set of batteries. Nothing. I use yet another set of batteries. Nothing. I don’t fret, because i used batteries from the other remotes So I accept the possbility that all the batteries i have been using have just gone dead. I accept that and assume that when the batteries in my cable remote go dead maybe it REQUIRES new batteries. So I proceed to get my lazy ass up and physically change the channel using the cable box. Which is what I was trying to avoid hence all the battery swapping. I walk the four feet to the cable box only to discover that by cable box has no buttons. That’s right…you heard me…no…buttons! So I stand there pondering why my cable box has no buttons allthe while the commercial is taunting me because it knows that i can’t change the channel. I must have stood there for at least a minute pondering why my box was without buttons. Lookig for a secret location. A hidden compartment. Some sort of code as to where my buttons might be located. Finally, I walk the four feet back to my seat and proceed to call Comcast. Surely they would know what is wrong. They would be able to fix the problem. Oh the naivete’. I go through the automated system till I reach an operator.

I submit the following conversation: Comcast is a I am b.

a: Comcast may I help you?
b: my cable remote has stopped functioning and my cable box has no buttons. How am I supposed to watch my cable when the remote breaks if my cable box has no buttons for me to change the channel?
a: your remote is malfunctioning?
b: my remote is not functioning
a: did you try changing the batteries?
b: yes
a: did you press the power button?
b: yes
a: what happened?
b: nothing
a: did you press the cable button?
b: yes
a: what happened?
b: nothing
a: did you press the tv button?
b: yes
a: what happened?
b: nothing
a: when you pressed the power button did it light up?
b: no
a: when you pressed the cable button did it light up?
b: no
a: when you pressed the tv button did it light up?
b: no
a: Ma’am I’m going to ask you to press the cable button?
b: ok
a: what happened?
b: nothing
a: ok press the power button and tell me what happens.
b: nothing
a: ok the remote seems to be malfunctioning. Have you tried changing the chanel using the cable box?
b: i can’t because my cable box has no buttons
a: what do you mean it has no buttons?
b: it has no buttons?
a: what do you mean?
b: my cable box has no buttons, it is without buttons, it is buttonless, it is button free, it is void of buttons.
a: ok I’m gonna ask you to walk over to your cable box.
b: ok
a: now could you please change the chanel using the chanel buttons.
b: i can’t
a: why not?
b: my cable box has no buttons.
a: what do you mean your cable box has no buttons?
b: my…cable box…has…no buttons!
a: Ok, i’m gonna ask you to read off to me the buttons on the cable box.
b: ok
*silence*
a: Ma’am are you still there?
b: yes
a: I need you to read off to me the buttons on the cable box.
b: ok
*silence*
a: Ma’am are you still there?
b: yes
a: are you gonna read me the buttons on the box?
b: I can’t…because my cable box has no buttons1
a: Then could you read off to me what is on the cable box? *he sounds frustrated now*
b: sure! There is a light that lights up when it’s on, next to it is the word ON, next to that is a light that lights up when i have a message, next to that is the word MESSAGE. That’s it!
a: There is nothing else?
b: no
a: So…your cable box has no buttons!
b: Yes!
a: do you have the small or large cable box?
b: I don’t know, i have the cable box with no buttons.
a: But is it the large or small one?
b: I don’t know, i have the cable box with no buttons.
a: but is it large or small?
b: I don’t know, i have the cable box with no buttons. Which ever is the one that comes without buttons…that’t the one I have!
a: ok is your cable box about 8″ x 8″?
b: sure
a: ok you have the small cable box.
b: Is that the one that comes with out buttons?
a: yes
b: *silence*
a: I’m sorry for the inconvenience we can send someone out to replace that for you what does your schelduel looke like? Our earlies time is Tues after 5pm.
b: So what do I do about watching my cable until then?
a: well you can always connect the cord directly to your tv.
b: But i won’t be able to watch the cable chanels that require you to have a cable box which is what I’m paying for?
a: Of course we will credit you for the three days you are without cable.
b: that’s all i wanted to know Tues after 5pm is fine.

You’d think the story ends there…but nooooooooooooo!

So after the conversation I still clench to the possiblity that every battery I touch mysteriously goes dead when i enter it into the comcast remote even though they where just working in their remotes. Maybe I’m doing something wrong, how hard could it be to change the batteries, but maybe I’ve had a brain fart, and lost all my senses. So i go to my roommate because i must be an idiot!

Let me explain this. Me and this roomate hate each other strongly dislike each other. So any conversation is…strained.

I submit the following conversation: I am b my roommate is c.

b: do you have any batteries?
c: what kind?
b: double a
c: *silence*
*and i mean long silence
c: what do you need them for?
b: the remote has stopped working
c: did you try one of the remotes in there?
b: yes
c: the tv remote?
b: yes
c: the dvd remote?
b: yes
c: the vcr remote?
b: yes
c: *another long silence* did you try the remotes in the pantry
b: no, I’ll try that…thanks

I proceed with this course of action to no avail. Then my roommate comes into the living room and proceeds to try all the batteries i just tried in the cable remote, because I must be stupid. I proceed to watch tv. Luckily it was stuck on the SciFi chanel and I can always watch the SciFi chanel. (at least I could in 2006) Then he starts with the questions again…

c: did you try this one?
b: yes
c: how about this one?
b: yes
c: what about this one?
b: yes
c: this one?
b: yes, I’ve tried them.
c: did you try changing the chanel using the cable box? *as he proceeds to the cable box*
b: why don’t you give it a try.
c: where are the buttons
b: we have no buttons
c: our cable box has no buttons?
b: no
c: so how are we supposed to change the chanel?
b: with the remote
c: but it’s not working?
b: exactly
c: so now what? how are we supposed to watch cable?
b: i don’t know. I called comcast and told them the fucking remote isn’t fucking working and that our fucking cable box has no fucking buttons and that i want to fucking watch tv, but i can’t because the fucking cable box has no fucking buttons and the fucking remote won’t fucking work even though I’ve fucking replaced the fucking batteries like 9 fucking times, but the fucking remote still won’t fucking work and the fucking cable box still has no fucking buttons. So they suggested i plug the fucking cord into the fucking tv, but I won’t be able to fucking watch the fucking cable chanels that fucking require you to have a fucking cable box with or without fucking butons so they said they would fucking send someone over on fucking tues, but there’s fucking nothing that could be done about it now so we would be without fucking cable until then, then he said they would fucking credit us for the three days and then i fucking hung up the fucking phone, went to you and now am fucking forced to fucking have this fucking conversation all the fuck over again. I should be able to fucking watch cable with or without the fucking remote, it doesn’t make any fucking sense that you fucking need a fucking remote to fucking watch fucking cable because the fucking cable company won’t give you a fucking cable box with fucking buttons. FUCK!!!

Then I got up and go outside, because I realized that with all the fucks I just said…maybe I was a little more upset than I realized and I go outside. By the way…I said that last statement all in one breath. then I called my friend, JP Fairfield, and proceeded to tell her the story, she proceeded to rotfl.

Finally, I head back in unconsciously pick up the defunct remote only to discover that it is now working. Proceed to question the roomate he has no idea he just took an old comcast cable remote and set it up for our cable box. Apparently the new silver shiny remote got jealous when it saw the old dirty black remote was gonna be it’s replacement. Story still doesn’t end there, that was just the major chunk.

So saturday, sunday, and monday pass. Tuesday morning 12:15am waiting for Fullmetal Alchemist. My roomate comes in the living room, sees me watching tv proceeds to make statement:

This is titled Kiss My Ass
c: “Damn 24/7 dred! You should get a tv!”
*Now let me see if i can explain this statement. Damn – he is upset. 24/7 – apparently i am watching tv 24/7 even though i work till 6-7pm and am usually gone all day on Saturday. Dred – some jamaican slang word he says at the end of everything.

b: I’m sorry, do you want to watch tv?
*Now I don’t know whyIi said I’m sorry just being polite because I know I monopolize the tv a lot which is why whenever they come into the tv room and I’m watching tv I ask this question – “do you want to watch something?” to which they always say no.
c: no. It’s not that
b: *silence*
c: i’m going to bed. I’m tired and need some sleep.
*not talkig to me just seems to be talking.
b: *inner thought – wtf kiss my ass

Now if he doesn’t want to watch tv then what the fuck is the problem? Doesn’t matter too early, barely staying awake for fullmetal. Go to sleep, wake up go to work pissed at incident that moring. Tried to buy a tv on monday after I told DG the comcast story, he proceed to rotfl, then we proceeded to try and find me a tv to no avail. But after that 12am incident that made no sense I was even more determined bought a tv online on craig’s list set the delivery for that same day. Went home early from work to meet the cable guy who was cute flirted with a little bit, might have made my first friend in this awful city. He upgraded me to a dvr – no more buttons issues. Proceeded to tell roommate that the ‘whole cable situation’ has been resolved since my tv will be here soon and all boxes and cords will be moved to my room. Tv came two hours later. Hooked it up in time for Gilmore Girls.

And that is the end of the story.

Now remind me to tell you the story of when I moved from this horrible house to my own apartment and Comcast charged me $500 for that generous DVR, that I returned.